Winter Wonderbland
by ThinkingCAPSLOCK
Summary: An inexperienced Dave is introduced to the wonder that is snow.  Just so much snow. So very, very much.


**Winter Wonderbland**

"Shit, man. It's cold."

"Yes, Strider. Very good. It's called snow." Rose blew on her hands, rubbing her woollen mittens together. They were one of the first things she had ever knitted and she was rather proud of them.

"Really. This is fucking snow. I would never have fucking guessed, Rose. This is the revelation to end all revelations. My world is now upside down. Everyone lives in fucking Australia and fish ride goddamn bicycles." Dave shoved his hands in his pockets, shivering a little. His skin felt dry and chapped painfully across his knuckles.

"Don't listen to Rose, Dave! I think it's cute that you haven't really played in the snow before," Jade said. Her cheeks were cherry red, but whether from excitement or cold, it was impossible to tell.

"It's like we're in a movie," John said, awed.

"I hope it's not a shitty movie," Dave replied. "Is Nic Cage going to just walk by now or something."

"If he does, then we'll know something big is about to happen!" John bent down and scooped up snow. "Hey, it's packing snow! We should make something amazing with it!"

"Let's build a fort!" Jade exclaimed.

"We can be knights!" John replied.

"Defend the castle!"

The two of them hurriedly began to push mounds of snow together as Rose and Dave lingered behind, watching.

"Is this supposed to be fun," Dave said.

"I would think so." Rose smirked. "Do you not have much of an imagination, Dave? Or are you too cool to be a knight?"

"Fuck, man. I was a knight long e-fucking-nough. I already know I'm shit at it."

"You were perfectly…adequate."

"Thank you so much. That was such a boost. You should go into therapy, Rose, you really fucking should."

"I am, dumpass. I'm a psychology specialist."

"Well, fuck. I feel bad for your patients."

"Storm the castle!" Jade shouted, tossing a barrage of snowballs at John. "Mutiny! Mutiny!"

_Fwwap!_

Dave stumbled, shuddering as chunks of snow fell down the collar of his shirt and melted on his bare skin. "Fuck, that's cold."

"Sorry, Dave!" Jade called out, running over. "I didn't mean to—ah!" She ducked behind him just as John's counterattack rained down from above.

"Jegus." Dave brushed the snow from his head, trying to shake it off before it melted and ran down his neck.

"Sorry again!" Jade apologized, patting her mittens against Dave's back.

"Ugh. I mean, no problem. It's just really wet."

"Well, snow _is_ frozen water, Strider. Perhaps you should have paid more attention to your studies in sci—" Rose began.

"Shut up, Rose. Just shut up." Dave reached back and hooked an arm around Jade, pulling her out in front. "And you. I'm not a goddamn shield."

"Blame John! He's the one that didn't stop. He totally saw that I was over here!" Jade protested.

"Yeah, that's true. I'll get that fucker." Dave scooped up some ammunition.

"Just try me!" John taunted, peeking out from behind the fort, a mischievous grin plastered across his face.

"I'll teach you the real meaning of flashstepping, asshole." And Dave disappeared.

"Fuck! Give me warning, man! Surprise attacks aren't cool!" John shook his head vigorously so that snowflakes flew in ever direction.

"Revenge is a bitch." Dave slapped his gloves together, knocking off the excess snow. He may not have had much experience with winter, but even he could tell that a build-up of snow would screw with his aim. For that brief pause, he got another faceful of snow. Rather than pausing to shape a snowball, John had resourcefully just slapped a good amount off the top fort, directing it straight at his friend.

"What'd you say, Dave? Something about revenge?"

"I am going to crush you."

"Boys," said Rose, her eyes following them as they kicked snow up at each other and dove to make more snowballs.

"Yeah," said Jade. And then she promptly hit rose in the face with her own snowball. "Oops. My hand slipped!"

"You are going to pay for that, Harley." Rose said, grinning maliciously.

"Bring it on!" Jade took off down the hill before Rose could react. But that was okay—Rose was too sneaky to just run after her. She was going to lie in wait, planning a trap, because that was—

_Fwap!_

"Strider, you bastard!" Rose whipped around. "I'll make you pay!"

Dave grinned a lopsided grin. "Oh yeah. Is that what you're going to do."

"Hey, look! I made Dave smile!" John called. "Quick, take a picture!"

"Shut up, jerkass. You're next."

And so continued their epic battle, the one that would thereafter be referred to as "That One Time Rose Nearly Buried Us All."

x.x.x

"That was awesome," Jade panted, collapsed on her back beside John. Dave was still trying to climb out of the snowman Rose had somehow managed to conjure up around him.

"Yeah! I'm glad you managed to come out here, Jade. It must've been pretty far."

"Nah, I have Bec. Just call me if you guys ever want to play again."

"Totally."

"Are you two finished?" Rose tapped her arm impatiently, smirking a smile at them.

"Fuck, Rose, that was cold." Dave managed to finally break his way out and stumbled over, quaking from head to toe.

"Yeah, that was a little cruel," John agreed. "Dave's not used to snow."

"You're right. I'm sorry, Strider, that you are such a pussy that little flakes of white can hinder your functioning abilities," Rose said in a monotone.

"Fucking thanks. You should win an award for that apology, it was so moving. I would cry real, human tears but my tear ducts are frozen to my shades." Dave pulled off his gloves and shoved them in his pocket, then wrung his hands together in a futile attempt to glean any last warmth from them.

"Let's go inside, then, shall we?" Rose suggested. "I am sure my mother has made some passive-aggressive hot chocolate for us."

"That's the best kind of hot chocolate!" Jade said.

"Rose, I don't think she's being passive-aggressive. I think she's just being nice," John argued.

"Right. And puppets don't freak Dave out." Rose nodded solemnly.

"I am not fucking scared of puppets," Dave snapped. "You try living with those dongmonsters every day of your life, their fucking asses just all up in your face all the fucking time. See how much _you_ like puppets after that."

"Poor baby," said Rose. But then she saw how much he was shivering and frowned. She thrust a mug of cocoa into his hands. "You really can't take the cold, can you?"

"Fuck, man, why do you think I was so cool in the land of Lava and fucking Volcanoes or whatever the fuck it was. I don't deal with cold, man. I'm chill enough by myself, I don't need the weather to get all up in my business trying to beat me at my own game."

"Maybe you should change into something dry, Dave. Wet clothes will just make you feel worse," Jade suggested.

"Yeah, yeah, you're just trying to get me naked. I'm on to you, Harley."

"I—I am not! Dammit, Dave!" Jade shouted. She turned very pink and snatched up a mug, downing the cocoa in one go. "Thank you, Rose, that was delicious! I am going to use the lavatory now!" Dave suppressed an amused snort.

"Dave, stop hitting on Jade. It makes everyone uncomfortable," Rose scolded. "Especially Jade."

"You're just jealous that John doesn't know any smooth moves." Dave shrugged. "It's cool. I understand. I'll teach him if you want."

John choked on his drink. "Dave!"

"I've got your back, lil bro. Master Dave will teach you now. Don't worry, man. For you, no charge. I'm sure we can—"

"PAN-DIMENSIONAL SNOWBALL BEAM!"

In an instant, Dave was flat on his back on the floor, the remains of a rigorous volley of snowballs piled on him like smuppets on a bizarrely specific fetish site.

"Did that work?" Jade asked timidly, opening the front door and peeking through. She was still very red in the face and her hair stuck out in all directions. "I tried going out the back and then throwing a bunch of snowballs at Bec. Oh, good! I think he understood what I meant." She came inside and began pulling off her winter gear for the second time that day. "Sorry about your floor, though, Rose. I promise I'll clean it up!"

"No need." Rose waved her hand dismissively, then turned to Dave. "There you go, Strider. A perfect end to a not-so-perfect play."

"But still a perfect day!" Jade chirped.

"Bustin out some ill rhymes there. I'd better watch my fucking back or else _oh wait that didn't fucking work,_" Dave said from the floor.

"Careful, Jade," Rose warned. "Soon you'll be rapping and wearing sunglasses indoors like some sort of douchebag."

"Fuck. Fuck you. I hate everything."

And then they laughed.


End file.
